Also known as The Battersea Ripper, this is a comic crime thriller set in London concerning a young girl's kidnapping and the hapless police and reporters trying to get to the truth. It has never been released to DVD and has only ever had a limited theatrical screening in 2006.
| Actor | Role |
|---|---|
 Dexter FletcherDCI Patrick Stalker | DCI Patrick Stalker |
 Sylvester McCoyDuncan | Duncan |
 Danny DyerMonkfish | Monkfish |
 Jeff HardingDennis Vaginoff | Dennis Vaginoff |
 P.H. MoriartyJames Thoms | James Thoms |
 Stephen GrahamDetective Staunton | Detective Staunton |
 Stephen FingletonFingleton | Fingleton |
 Nick TyroneDetective Dick | Detective Dick |
 Denise Van OutenAngie Andrews | Angie Andrews |
 Lysette AnthonyElizabeth 'Lizzy' Thoms | Elizabeth 'Lizzy' Thoms |
| SStacey SnatchAmy | Amy |
 Lucy BenjaminDetective Staunton's Wife | Detective Staunton's Wife |
 Alan FordHarry | Harry |
 Vas BlackwoodTyrone Morish | Tyrone Morish |
 David SchneiderKevin Andrews | Kevin Andrews |
 Don WarringtonBattersea Gazette Paper Boss | Battersea Gazette Paper Boss |
 Susannah WiseSusan Jenkins | Susan Jenkins |
| CCharlie FoxDetective Staunton's Son | Detective Staunton's Son |
 Jade AshaAshley Jenkins | Ashley Jenkins |
 Kenny BakerMr. Ice Cream Van | Mr. Ice Cream Van |
 Richard HerringDonny Weedbag | Donny Weedbag |
 Jim TavaréNot listed | Not listed |
 Alex ZaneMicheal Laven (S!TV uk) | Micheal Laven (S!TV uk) |