A daft doctor concocts an offbeat scheme to make millions after he happens upon a method of turning cremated human remains into diamonds. But when the sawbones hires a pair of hapless thieves to collect the raw material, a string of calamities ensues in their insane efforts to pilfer the ashes of prominent and historic figures. Tippi Hedren, Bronson Pinchot, Richard Moll and Joan Van Ark head the cast in this inky morality yarn.
| Actor | Role |
|---|---|
 Bronson PinchotBergerac De La Houssey | Bergerac De La Houssey |
 Tippi HedrenEleanor Kelly | Eleanor Kelly |
 Darin HeamesLulu | Lulu |
 Leo RossiAugustine Garza | Augustine Garza |
| TTimothy McNeilDr. Simon Lockbuster | Dr. Simon Lockbuster |
 Richard MollDetective Jackson | Detective Jackson |
 Joan Van ArkThe Hemingway Diamond | The Hemingway Diamond |
 Joseph RuskinQuentin Leeds | Quentin Leeds |
 John ChurchillDetective Grubbs | Detective Grubbs |
 Tuesday KnightLil | Lil |
 Van EppersonArnie Crump | Arnie Crump |
| DDavid RipleyMark | Mark |
 Khadijah KarriemPamela Riggs | Pamela Riggs |
| AAlan CharofJean | Jean |